Walang naganap na pagtatalik kanina. May palitan ng laway, guhitan ng dila sa puno ng tenga, sa leeg, sa dibdib. May paglalakbay ng daliri at palad sa katawan, may halinghing na hindi mapigilan, pero walang pagtatalik na naganap.
Gusto kong tapusin ang pinanonood na pelikula nang madaling-araw na iyon. Pero gusto nang sumuko ang mata ko. Katabi ko siya, ngunit nakatalikod. Parang gusto niyang iparamdam na walang namamagitan kahit na naglaro kami sa malamlam na liwanag ng silid. Parang gustong sabihing hanggang doon lang talaga ang lahat. Nakatalikod din ako sa kaniya. Hindi dahil sa gusto ko ring iparamdam na pareho kami ng iniisip dahil magsisinungaling ako kapag iyon ang sasabihin kong dahilan. Kung puwede lang, gusto kong magkaroon ng ugnayan. Hindi ugnayang seksuwal, kundi ugnayan ng aming mga puso. Nakatalikod ako dahil nga nanonood ako ng pelikula sa laptop niya.
"Yakapin mo ko," hiling ko. Gusto kong papaniwalain ang sarili na hindi lang ito one night stand. Gusto kong lokohin ang sarili ko na baliktad ang sitwasyon namin. Ako ang mahal niya at wala naman akong nararamdaman sa kaniya.
"You want a hug?" sagot niya. Di ako sumagot pero naramdaman kong humarap siya sa akin at inilapat niya ang kaniyang mga braso sa akin. Malamig ang braso niya. Kasinlamig ng katotohanan na walang namamagitan sa amin.
Isinara ko ang laptop. Madaling-araw na. Kailangan na niyang magpahinga dahil may trabaho pa siya kinabukasan. Kailangan ko na rin namang magpahinga. Humarap ako sa kaniya at yumakap din. Na kung may ibang makakakita, aakalain nila na tunay kaming nagmamahalan. Dalawang taong gustong iparamdam ang pagmamahal sa pamamagitan ng yakap. Gusto ko mang ikulong siya sa aking mga bisig hanggang malagutan ng hininga pero nakapag-usap na kami. Kanina at bago pa ang gabing iyon. Hindi puwede. Hindi kaylanman magiging puwede. At dahil doon, bago pa makipagkita, inihanda ko na ang sarili ko. Kung hindi puwede ang romantikong relasyon, sige, titikim ako sa gusto niyang ipatikim. Pero habang nakayakap ako sa kaniya at siya sa akin, natanong ko ang sarili: ako ba talaga ang tumikim o ako ang tinikman? O pareho.
Ito ang una't huling gabi natin. Sabi ko, pero sa isip ko lang. Ito ang una't huling yakap natin sa isa't isa. Ito ang una at huling yakap ko sa iyo. Ito na rin ang una't huling magpapaubaya ako. Dugtong ko. Kinabukasan, magkaiba ang tinahak naming landas.
English Translation
First and Last
There was no
sexual act that night. There was the exchange of saliva, the tracing of tongues
along the ear, the neck, the chest. There was the wandering of fingers and
palms across skin, there were muffled moans that could not be contained—but no
sexual act took place.
I wanted to
finish the film I was watching that early morning. But my eyes were already
giving in to sleep. He was beside me, but turned away. As if he wanted to make
it clear that nothing existed between us, even after we played in the dim light
of the room. As if he wanted to say that everything really ended there.
I was also
turned away from him. Not because I wanted to imply the same thing—because I
would be lying if I said that was the reason. If it were possible, I wanted a
connection. Not a sexual one, but a connection of our hearts. I was turned away
simply because I was watching the film on his laptop.
“Hug me,” I
asked. I wanted to convince myself this wasn’t just a one-night stand. I wanted
to fool myself into thinking the situation was reversed—that I was the one he
loved, and I felt nothing for him.
“You want a
hug?” he replied. I didn’t answer, but I felt him turn toward me and wrap his
arms around me. His arms were cold. As cold as the truth that nothing existed
between us.
I closed the
laptop. It was already early morning. He needed to rest because he still had
work the next day. I needed to rest too. I turned to him and hugged him back.
If anyone had seen us, they would have thought we were truly in love—two people
trying to express love through an embrace.
As much as I
wanted to hold him until his breath ran out, we had already talked about it.
Earlier, before that night. It couldn’t be. It would never be possible. And
because of that, even before we met, I had already prepared myself. If a
romantic relationship wasn’t possible, fine—I would still taste what he wanted
to offer.
But as I
held him, and he held me, I asked myself: was I the one tasting, or the one
being tasted? Or both?
This is our
first and last night together, I said—but only in my mind. This is our first
and last embrace. This is my first and last embrace of you. This is also my
first and last surrender, I added.
The next day, we walked in different directions.