Pagbabalik (Revised with English translation)

Tuwing hatinggabi,

Nagkukubli ako sa katahimikan

At taimtim na nakikinig sa anumang iluwal ng dilim:

Ang mga kulisap na waring naghahabi ng kanilang awit sa laylayan ng gabi,

Ang alulong ng asong nagmumula sa kabila ng mga natutulog na tahanan,

Paghipo ng di-mapakaling kamay ng hangin sa mga dahoon,

Maging ang mga lamok, mga mumunting sugo ng pangamba na may pakpak na pilak.

 

Naghihintay ako,

Tiyak na sa gitna ng habing ito ng mga tunog

Ay muling maririnig ang nakasanayang yabag—

Mga kilalang yabag, gaya ng pagkakakilala ng dalampasigan sa dagat,

Taglay ang mga salitang:

Mahal, narito na ako.

Kaya't iniiwang bukás ang pintuan ng aking puso,

Parang ilawang patuloy na nag-aalab sa isang bintanang walang nakakakita, nakikinig

Sa sandaling ang pagkawala ay muling maging pagdating.

Ngunit walang dumarating.

Tanging ang gabi,

Kasing lalim ng isang liham na hindi naisulat.

English Translation

Every midnight,

I immerse myself in silence
And listen to whatever the dark sets loose:

The crickets stitching their small songs into the hem of the night,

A dog howling somewhere beyond the sleeping houses,

The wind laying its restless hands upon the leaves,

Even the mosquitoes, tiny harbingers with their silver threats.

 

I wait,

Certain that through this woven cloak of sounds

Those familiar footsteps will return—

Footsteps I know as the shore knows the tide,

Carrying the words:

My love, I am here.

So I keep the door of my heart unlatched,

A lamp burning in an unseen window, listening for the sound

Of absence turning back into presence.

But nothing comes.

Only the night,

Deep as an unwritten letter.

Una at Huli (With English Version)

Walang naganap na pagtatalik kanina. May palitan ng laway, guhitan ng dila sa puno ng tenga, sa leeg, sa dibdib. May paglalakbay ng daliri at palad sa katawan, may halinghing na hindi mapigilan, pero walang pagtatalik na naganap.

Gusto kong tapusin ang pinanonood na pelikula nang madaling-araw na iyon. Pero gusto nang sumuko ang mata ko. Katabi ko siya, ngunit nakatalikod. Parang gusto niyang iparamdam na walang namamagitan kahit na naglaro kami sa malamlam na liwanag ng silid. Parang gustong sabihing hanggang doon lang talaga ang lahat. Nakatalikod din ako sa kaniya. Hindi dahil sa gusto ko ring iparamdam na pareho kami ng iniisip dahil magsisinungaling ako kapag iyon ang sasabihin kong dahilan. Kung puwede lang, gusto kong magkaroon ng ugnayan. Hindi ugnayang seksuwal, kundi ugnayan ng aming mga puso. Nakatalikod ako dahil nga nanonood ako ng pelikula sa laptop niya. 

"Yakapin mo ko," hiling ko. Gusto kong papaniwalain ang sarili na hindi lang ito one night stand. Gusto kong lokohin ang sarili ko na baliktad ang sitwasyon namin. Ako ang mahal niya at wala naman akong nararamdaman sa kaniya. 

"You want a hug?" sagot niya. Di ako sumagot pero naramdaman kong humarap siya sa akin at inilapat niya ang kaniyang mga braso sa akin. Malamig ang braso niya. Kasinlamig ng katotohanan na walang namamagitan sa amin.

Isinara ko ang laptop. Madaling-araw na. Kailangan na niyang magpahinga dahil may trabaho pa siya kinabukasan. Kailangan ko na rin namang magpahinga. Humarap ako sa kaniya at yumakap din. Na kung may ibang makakakita, aakalain nila na tunay kaming nagmamahalan. Dalawang taong gustong iparamdam ang pagmamahal sa pamamagitan ng yakap. Gusto ko mang ikulong siya sa aking mga bisig hanggang malagutan ng hininga pero nakapag-usap na kami. Kanina at bago pa ang gabing iyon. Hindi puwede. Hindi kaylanman magiging puwede. At dahil doon, bago pa makipagkita, inihanda ko na ang sarili ko. Kung hindi puwede ang romantikong relasyon, sige, titikim ako sa gusto niyang ipatikim. Pero habang nakayakap ako sa kaniya at siya sa akin, natanong ko ang sarili: ako ba talaga ang tumikim o ako ang tinikman? O pareho.

 Ito ang una't huling gabi natin. Sabi ko, pero sa isip ko lang. Ito ang una't huling yakap natin sa isa't isa. Ito ang una at huling yakap ko sa iyo. Ito na rin ang una't huling magpapaubaya ako. Dugtong ko. Kinabukasan, magkaiba ang tinahak naming landas.

English Translation

First and Last

There was no sexual act that night. There was the exchange of saliva, the tracing of tongues along the ear, the neck, the chest. There was the wandering of fingers and palms across skin, there were muffled moans that could not be contained—but no sexual act took place.

I wanted to finish the film I was watching that early morning. But my eyes were already giving in to sleep. He was beside me, but turned away. As if he wanted to make it clear that nothing existed between us, even after we played in the dim light of the room. As if he wanted to say that everything really ended there.

I was also turned away from him. Not because I wanted to imply the same thing—because I would be lying if I said that was the reason. If it were possible, I wanted a connection. Not a sexual one, but a connection of our hearts. I was turned away simply because I was watching the film on his laptop.

“Hug me,” I asked. I wanted to convince myself this wasn’t just a one-night stand. I wanted to fool myself into thinking the situation was reversed—that I was the one he loved, and I felt nothing for him.

“You want a hug?” he replied. I didn’t answer, but I felt him turn toward me and wrap his arms around me. His arms were cold. As cold as the truth that nothing existed between us.

I closed the laptop. It was already early morning. He needed to rest because he still had work the next day. I needed to rest too. I turned to him and hugged him back. If anyone had seen us, they would have thought we were truly in love—two people trying to express love through an embrace.

As much as I wanted to hold him until his breath ran out, we had already talked about it. Earlier, before that night. It couldn’t be. It would never be possible. And because of that, even before we met, I had already prepared myself. If a romantic relationship wasn’t possible, fine—I would still taste what he wanted to offer.

But as I held him, and he held me, I asked myself: was I the one tasting, or the one being tasted? Or both?

This is our first and last night together, I said—but only in my mind. This is our first and last embrace. This is my first and last embrace of you. This is also my first and last surrender, I added.

The next day, we walked in different directions.

Ang Ngalan mo (With English Translation)

Nagising ako mula sa isang panaginip.

Nakita raw kitang ipinipinta ang kalikasan—

Kinulayan ng bughaw ang kalangitan,

Luntian ang parang. At sa puno

Nagpinta ka ng ibong walang sawa sa pag-awit.

Humalimuyak ang bango matapos kang

Magpinta ng iba’t ibang uri, hugis, laki, at kulay ng bulaklak.

 

Lumapit ako sa iyo at lumingon ka.

Nagpinta ka ng pulang puso sa aking dibdib

Pagkatapos ay marahan mong inilapat

Ang iyong tenga upang pakinggan ang pintig.

Bigla kang inangkin nito.

 

Nagising akong isinisigaw ng puso ko ang ngalan mo.

English Translation

Your Name

I woke from a dream.

I saw you painting nature—

you colored the sky blue,

the fields green. And upon the tree

you painted a bird that never tires of singing.

Fragrance drifted through the air after you

painted flowers of every kind, shape, size, and color.

I came closer to you and you turned.

You painted a red heart on my chest,

then gently pressed your ear

to listen to its beating.

Suddenly, it claimed you.

I woke with my heart shouting your name.

Orininal title is "Ikaw" with Direct translation "You"

Unang Ulan ng Mayo (Revised with English Translation)

Mayo rin noon.

 

Hubad tayong magkatalikod sa inyong kama.

Tila dalawang estrangherong naipit sa digma.

Subalit, walang bahagi ng isa’t isa ang hindi natin kilala.

Kabisado ng ating puso ang bawat tunog na kayang likhain ng laman,

Bawat marahang pagbasag ng hininga, bawat paghingal na tila pagtataksil sa sarili.

Kilala ko ang bawat hugis at kurba ng iyong katawan

Na daang-ulit nang binagtas at ginalugad,

Gaya ng malalim na pagkakakilala mo sa akin.

Gano’n pa man, kahit ilang ulit nating inaangkin ang isa’t isa

Hindi natin kailanman ito naging pagmamay-ari.

 

Umapaw na ang alulod bago pa man magpasyang lumuha ang langit.

Musika ang iyong banayad na hilik na sinasaliwan

Ng aliw-iw ng hangin. Tumayo ako at nagbihis sa gitna ng katahimikan.

"Hintayin mo nang tumila ang ulan," wika mo habang pinagmamasdan akong umalis

Ang tinig mo'y tila panaginip, hindi ako lumingon.

"Gamot daw ang unang ulan ng Mayo," ang tanging tugon ko.

English Translation

The First Rain of May

 

It was May then, too.

We were naked, backs turned to each other in your bed.

Like two strangers caught in a war.

But, there was no part of each other we did not know.

We knew by heart every sound the flesh could create,

Each gentle shattering of breath, each gasp that felt like a betrayal of oneself.

I knew every shape and curve of your body

That had been crossed and explored a hundred times over,

Just as you deeply knew me.

Even so, no matter how many times we claimed each other

It was never ours to own.

 

The gutter had already overflowed before the sky decided to weep.

Your gentle snoring was music accompanied

By the murmur of the wind. I stood up and dressed in the midst of silence.

“Wait for the rain to stop,” you said as you watched me leave

Your voice was like a dream, I did not look back.

“They say, first rain of May, washes everything clean,” was my only reply.

Ang Ating Mundo (Revised with English Translation)

Dumating kang tila isang tahimik na hangin

at hinawi ang mga sapot

sa apat na nakalimutang sulok ng aking silid,

pawang pinapalis mo ang mga alikabok mula sa alaala.

 

Iniligpit mo ang mga kalat:

mga luma at bagong aklat

na umaalingasaw ng nakaraan at kasalukuyan,

mga liham na nakarating sa akin,

at yaong hindi kailanman nakatawid

mula sa pagnanais na maipadala.

 

Binuksan mo ang pintuan, ang mga bintana—

at pumasok ang liwanag na parang nag-aaya ng bagong buhay,

na tila matagal nang naghihintay

na muling bigyan ng pahintulot na umiral.

 

Nangungusap ang iyong mga mata

nang iabot mo ang iyong kamay sa akin.

Matapos mong ayusin ang aking silid,

inaalok sa akin ang iyong mundo,

hindi bilang isang malayong bagay,

kundi bilang isang mundong nilalakaran mo na,

isang mundong nais mong pasukin ko,

na para bang matagal nang nakalaan para sa akin.

English Translation

A World of Ours

You came like a quiet wind

and swept the webs

from the four forgotten corners of my room,

as if brushing dust from memory itself.

 

You gathered the scattered things:

old and new books

breathing the scent of past and present,

letters that reached me,

and those that never crossed the distance of wanting to be sent.

 

You opened the door, the windows—

and light entered like an invitation to a new life,

as if it had long been waiting

to be allowed again to exist.

 

Your eyes were speaking

as you reached out your hand to me.

After you had set my room in order,

you offered me your world,

not as something distant,

but as a place you were already walking through,

a world you wanted me to enter,

as if it had long been meant for me.